Day 2 Much Ado
10:47 pm November 7th 2020, the District.
The tinfoil hat people are here. The same people who think Reagan put up Star Wars think the moon landing was fake. And now they think Q is about to save the day. Will it be a war? A battle? A fight? Massive arrests and trials like Nuremberg? Nobody knows. And to show us how concerned he is, the old man went golfing. Well, first he had to undermine democracy again via twitter who won’t ban him because the app sucks and it needs the old man. Somebody just tell the old man to go make a twitter app and he will be a genius. Him and Kanye Kardashian could do that.
And this old place is just as rotten as this spoiled, first family said it was. Second day in the place and I see a mouse. Might have been a baby rat. Scared me either way.. Must be true about the donuts too. Same ones sitting next to the sink that were there yesterday. It’s hard to imagine the old man would want to fight for this old place at his age. It’s full of rats and roaches. He has to miss the gold toilets he had back in 2015.
The other bug is running rampant though. 5 positive cases now, and the two other guys on my team were exposed before I got here. They are self quarantining, but might be the only ones. So here I am, a man with access and nothing to access. I have the key to the party, and there is no party. I brought the new Jeff Pearlman book to read in case it was full of the hurry up and wait that yesterday was. And nobody else was around so that’s exactly what I did. I didn’t know the old man would be golfing. I didn’t even believe it when the lady told me. She was a maid, maybe. She had a mask on and gloves. And I had my mask on. So that makes two of us inside. And the bug is currently here. Sleepy Joe is gonna need to deep clean this place.
The daily briefing was cancelled, and of course I didn’t know. Nobody told me. I guess when the old man goes golfing that’s what they do or don’t do, or perhaps because the whole team that usually does the press has the bug, they cancelled it. I didn’t know this though so I picked up the Pearlman book and sat down to wait like yesterday.
Midway through reading about Kobe’s real personality (learning this info about my childhood hero is terrible and might be how baby boomers felt when they found out Mickey Mantle was a drunk), the enemy comes into the room. Faux New specialist, and this isn’t somebody anyone would know. I only know he is with that outlet because of the stick up his ass. He looked at the donuts in disgust, almost as if he was the one who spit on them. Then he asked me, “Did you not hear it was cancelled?”
And I hadn’t, but I didn’t want this snobby dude with his nose up to think I didn’t know so I lied and I said, “yeah.”
“Oh so you’re just in here reading?” He said like it was an alien activity.
That’s when I confirmed he was with Faux News. He said Pennsylvania had announced, and when he said it he made a face like he just smelt a fart. It was hurting him, and as much as I wanted to watch him cry over losing, I left. The place was as dead as a white house after the incumbent lost. I would say it’s so quiet you can hear crickets but this place has too many roaches for crickets.
And outside the white’s house, people were celebrating. Dancing and music which for some reason was the Village People. It was glorious. Reminded me of the day Barry won which feels like an eternity ago now. The jubilation of the people of Germany the day the wall fell. Then the losers showed up. Still totting the loser flag from the last civil war talking about a new one. And for the same fucking reason apparently.It was mostly a fiesta though, and the red hats were told to F off which they did because they were outnumbered 20 to 1. And it was turning into 200 to 1.
I stayed to watch as a parade formed. Then I got a message that the old man was back from cheating at golf. Early reports said he heard all the cheers celebrating his loss and he cried. I can’t confirm that happened so I won’t. Kinda like how the Turtle in the Senate from my home state didn’t poop his pants back in 2004, but we all know the truth. I can see how the old man was upset though. The most people EVER just voted against him. He should look at the bright side, he still had a shit ton who voted for him, and that shows that the general public needs to be educated outside of the F-book and Faux. Just remember that 48% of people are scared of the dark.
So Day 2 of my all access press pass was much ado. No press briefing. Read the new Pearlman book and cried over the man whose childhood poster was on my wall. Half of the place out playing golf and the other half sick. Nobody quarantines.
LINK TO PEARLMAN BOOK It’s GREAT! (Tony the Tiger voice)
So I’m Gunner Bush, a liberal fuck, and remember liberals love America. Shit we are Americans so if you hate liberals, who are Americans, you hate Americans? How American is that.
And remember children, turn off the Faux News.
